I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize