you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
