i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
