Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
