Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
All the doctor said was why
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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