this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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