Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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