we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
