Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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