I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
