ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
