I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
