Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You dont lie about slip and slides
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
