pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
