I think i sorta joined a cult last night
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
