I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
