You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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