PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
