So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
