I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
