When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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