We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
