A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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