If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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