Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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