I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
