I cut my penus on the lid.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
