my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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