at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize