I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
