I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
