no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
