Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
two words: eviction party
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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