i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i came on her dog
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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