Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
