So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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