he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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