I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
