Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize