Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Farmville is her only friend.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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