my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
