Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
