I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
