I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
