At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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