Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize