From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
