yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
