There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
