I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
