i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
