the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
