She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
