he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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