Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
