the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
