she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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