you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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