WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
