It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
