she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
