when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
