dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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