Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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