My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
