I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
