Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
